Disappear

The loud music is starting again. The craving always begins so slowly-creeping in to my existence. And then like a great wave the darkness crowds around me, enveloping every sense and emotion.

Truth sloshes around in my heart, trying to get my attention. Reminding me that my present reality is not reality at all. But I don’t want to appease my heart right now. I want to scream along with the chaotic beats in my head.

The black oblivion has a sweet taste. To disappear, to stop trying to be what is right, to stop seeing and feeling the blood stained world all around me-the temptation is haunting. But the marrow of my heart begs me to reconsider, to think of the peace and contentment I was told existed out here somewhere.

Life twists and turns around me, through me, with me. There are highs and lows, the mountains and valleys and all the flat ground in between. Moments flying by in a rush to be and then be gone forever, an endless race towards the future.

This place where I now find mental rest feels like a very thin line between two worlds. I wonder how long I will be able to stay within the boundaries of no man’s land without falling over the edge.

The real problem is the inability to change where I am. To change the daily fabric of my life. It is not terrible my life, it is actually quite good. The Pandora that is me, now exists because I am more like me than I have ever been and yet still too far away from who I was made to be.